I’ve been interviewing people again to replace Cedar, my much-missed, nice, articulate, excellent former employee. If you’ve never hired someone, you may be under the impression, as I was when I was a young buck, that everyone’s pretty much equally qualified (with yours truly slightly less than the others) and that any job posting is inundated with well-qualified applicants lined up.

I used to print out my resumes on cream colored heavy cotton stationery so they’d be easy to find in a pile of white ones. I brought references to interviews in case it got that far. I even brushed my teeth, took a shower, and put on clean clothes. The whole nine yards. You’d think you have to do that to compete with everyone else, right?

You would be wrong. Any job posting is inundated with applicants. That much is usually true. Most of them fall into several categories:

Hire me because:

• I’m pathetic. I can’t find work. Everyone hates me. I live in a cardboard box, and it’s on fire.
• crazycrazybablebabble goodatworkingCrazy lotsof TIME doingJOBJOBJOB
• Heeeeyyyy buddy! I totally GET you! Your ad was AWESOME! WHAT’S UP?! Let’s meet for beers!
• I really want to do this. I don’t have ANY of the skills you want, and I’m not available when you need me, but I’m a hard worker.
• our hearts feel. time is life is short is work is life. wheat. dirt. being. (seriously, two poems this time)

Now, while I realize that there are living, breathing fellow human beings behind the (remarkably reproducible) grouping of responses, and I empathize with their situation… what ever happened to:

“Hello. In your ad, you asked for Thing A. I did Thing A for two years. I also have experience with Thing B, which I hope would be of value to you in accomplishing the tasks that you listed: 1, 2, and 3. I was interested in your position because of the fit between it and my interest in <fill in related job responsibilities or concepts>…”

I assume the crazy people are just crazy. But the others? Do they assume that answering the ad by addressing the salient points in it is… what? boring? And the people who don’t have any relevant experience or available time? Uh… really, I would hire you because of what? You’re a hard worker? I’m to assume that the other applicants aren’t?

To be fair, I did get a few (<10%) that were pretty decent. Seriously, it’s a gardening job. Just tell me that you’ve done that, are available, and interested in the aspects of the job that I described. Maybe throw in a “reliable transportation” just for fun. Just that puts you in the top 10%. Sound friendly and genuinely interested on the phone, and you’re in the top 5%.

Clearly, this goes in the “rant” category.

Anyway, this should actually be encouraging. Should you ever be looking for a job, here’s my advice:

• Answer the ad. THAT ad. Show you read it. Maybe mention the job description in your response.
• Relate your qualifications for THAT job. If it’s for a gardening job, mention that you’ve DONE GARDENING. This is probably the most common one, and it happens when I hire technical people, too. I don’t even mind so much if you fake it. At least show that you’d give THAT much effort.
• Unless the job is horrible, and even then, you are NOT the only applicant. Don’t just say “Yeah, I’m interested. Call me.” Got several of those this time.
• If you don’t want the job for whatever reason, don’t reply. It’s not enough money, you don’t really want a job, the guy sounds like a jerk, whatever. Just take your fingers off the computer and lie back down. Why on earth would you take the time to write to express that thought?
• Help the person contact you. Leave a number and a time to call. Maybe even say your name on your answering machine. No fewer than THREE applicants had sound effects/songs on theirs. People still do that?

OK, I feel better. I’ll hire someone. There are good people out there. Keep in mind, though, that if you apply for a job, it doesn’t take much to stand out. The funny thing is that just answering the requirements– acting like a normal human being capable of relating to another human without drawing them into your personal spiritual journey or whatever– is what separates attractive job applicants from the crowd.

No poems. Please.