The ultimate irony of “garden writing” is that it can completely consume your time that would normally have been spent, you know, gardening. As a result, my yard is looking like it belongs to someone who doesn’t know a Joe Pye Weed from a Dan D. Lion Weed.
“I’M WRITING A BOOK!” I shout at the neighbors as they give me the stinkeye from the sidewalk.
“I’m an author… I’m writing… a book… you don’t know… none of you people know… I’m AN AUTHOR!!… you people don’t know me…” I mutter at them and take another swig of beer… sitting on the front steps.
That being the current state of my progress, I have decided to move to Plan [Next Letter in Series of Alphabetical Plan References]. I’m going to publish it online while I work on it.
My conclusion after speaking to several very, very informative people in the publishing industry is that a) you’re better off playing the lottery as far as the financial rewards go, and b) if you DO want to get published, you do what the publisher tells you to do. You say “hey, I had this idea for a book,” and they say “that’s is fabulous… now, instead of gardening, it should be about search engines, and instead of food issues, we’re thinking more like ‘channeling past lives’… and we’re going to need you to get a sex change operation…”
It’s not that I’m above all that; it’s just that I’m fully aware of my limits, and THAT book isn’t getting written. I’m procrastinating badly enough on something that I’m passionately interested in writing about. What’s more, I made scads of dough whoring myself out with stuff that I didn’t really want to do. Take the dough out of that scenario, and it’s significantly less appealing. I’m TOTALLY willing to sell out. I just need to get paid for it.
Right. So. Here’s the plan. I’m going to be building a web site on which I’m going to publish the book… probably a chapter at a time. My hope is that this gets me to shake off this Great American Novel problem and get to writing something. I’ll put some forum on there, too, so anyone who wants to berate and/or mock me has an avenue to do so. God forbid I stifle anyone’s creative expression.
THE GARDEN:
Oh boy… well… zucchini. And I mean lots and lots of zucchini. Those damn things put out a sizable unit per day, at least. We’ve got three of them. And a yellow. And a patty pan. It is the happiest, most productive patty pan squash plant on the face of the earth. My neighbors are no longer amused. I literally forced one to take six when he asked for two. “Just wait until I’m not looking before you throw them away.”
My Striped Roman tomatoes are all experiencing blossom end rot, regardless of where they’re planted. None of the others are. What’s most interesting about that is that it wasn’t true, to my recollection, last year. Nope. Just checked. No mention of it. They’ve had nice, even watering and no shortage of calcium. Since it doesn’t seem to matter where they’re planted (including the upside-down thing), I have to assume it’s genetic, but why only this year? Temperature differences? Dunno… interesting, though.
Powdery mildew marches on… the jack-o-lantern looks like it has white leaves. Most of the other stuff, I’ve been able to keep cooking along with regular sprays of neem and milk. It’s OK… as is tradition, I’m feeling very gardened out at this point. This is always the time of year that I contract into a few nice fall/winter beds and start dismantling the rest of the operation.
The peaches, grapes, and plums are gone. Most of the blueberries. I couldn’t pickle another cucumber to save my life. We’ve still got lots of eggplants, tomatoes, carrots, and peppers. The fall lettuces and broccolis are starting to get pretty good-sized.
To be honest, though, it’s all pretty much on auto-pilot while I a) try to write this book, and b) try to figure out what I want to do for a living. My bank tells me that they aren’t really that interested in my writing or my vegetables. They’re prefer that I pay my mortgage with legal tender. Whatever. Jerks.
Anyway, to the plants: “Good luck, everybody!”
Someone should probably go check on the chickens…
Nah, I’m sure they’re fine.
Best line ever: “I’m TOTALLY willing to sell out. I just need to get paid for it.”
Laughed out loud. Because it is so true for me too.
Sigh. Let me know if you need someone to sit on that porch with you and swig beer. I’m *still* trying to figure out what I’m gonna do to get paid.
Man, I was going to bring over a nice bottle of Gin, and a giant pitcher of grapefruit juice, and see if I could exchange some for mooching your ice… but it sounds like you’re too busy writing a book (on the porch).
Enjoy the blog very much and am glad you are writing book. The world needs more humor. And am also struggling with Zuchini overload and have thus been creating Zuchini recipies. This is because I was traumatized by having to eat too much meat and potatoes as a child and will not throw out anything green that is vaguely edible. So here they are:
Three course meal featuring ZUCHINI.
Zuchini Slaw
Cut whatever chunks of zuchini you have available into sizes appropriate for your food processor. Process. Not too much, you don’t want it to get mushy. Add one tablespoon of vinegar ( I use white) and a teaspoon or less of salt. Mix all around and put in frig for awhile, a few hrs or overnight. Drain off the salt and vinegar and if you just like it crunchy you can eat it that way or add mayo if you like it more like slaw, or oil and make it light. Slice fresh tomatoes (which I suspect you also have an overabundance0 and lay slaw on top or next to it.
Second course:
Zuchini Chicken Curry Fried Steak.
Three or four large “Zucs” steaks. These are large thick slices of large thick Zuchinis. Coat in flour with 1/2 tsp garlic powder and 1/2 tsp of salt.
Fry in 3 or 4 Tblspns of oil or fat. Bacon is good, but vegans may prefer olive, etc. Don’t make heat too hot. Start hot and then to medium heat. When both sides are well browned, remove from pan(10 min. each sidee??) and add 1 or 2 tblspns additional flour to pan, stir until smooth and add curry powder to taste. Add chicken broth (1/2 cup or so)Make a smooth thin gravy. Place zuchini in serving dish and pour grav over. Chop up something green and garnish.
Third course:
Zuchini mochi (I’m still working on this.)
Yours partly serious and partly silly, Aunt Carol
I actuall do cook this and eat it. The slaws especially good.
How’s the writin’ going?
I’ve been writing. In fact, I just finished a blog post. That counts as writing, right?